Choosing to Be Right

Wife: “You forgot to put the garbage can out this morning.”

Husband: “I put it out last night.”

Wife: “I’m pretty sure I just saw the garbage truck go by, and it did not stop at our house.”

Husband: “I put it out! You just weren’t paying attention. I’m sure the truck stopped.”

Wife: “No, I was watching. [Strong, accusatory tone]. And the truck did not stop because our garbage can was NOT out there. 

Husband: “I know I put it out! [Over-the-top defensive tone].

Wife: “Then go and see for yourself.” 

Husband: [Goes outside. Returns and sits back in his chair saying nothing].

Wife: “Hmm?”

Husband: “I thought YOU were going to put the garbage can out.”

Winning an Argument

Why does it feel so important to prove I’m right? Why can I go to ridiculous lengths to justify my behavior, beliefs, and attitudes? The possibility of someone saying to me “You were right,” even about the smallest disagreement, pumps a shot of dopamine into my brain. But, I rarely hear those words.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be right, about everything! Much of my motivation for learning and formal education has been fueled by the validation I imagine I would receive while being told I’m correct in my knowledge of any given subject I have studied. And in the back of my mind I still feel a thrill at the thought that I’ll hear the words, “You are right, Jeff.” Yet, those words still remain elusive. And I am hungry for them.

Please Tell Me I’m OK

I suppose the desire is rooted in my need to be validated, assured that I am not damaged goods. The fear of being wrong, of somewhere, somehow missing the correct path has been strong. This drive has quite naturally transferred over to my faith walk as well. Much of my younger years was about studying to know the Bible in order to answer all the questions that might be thrown at me. Ultimately, even “good works” were motivated more by the need to prove to myself that I was a worthy Christian. The hope was always to one day hear every unbeliever I talked with say that charmed phrase: “Jeff, you are right!”

At some point while doing some research, I realized that the word “righteousness” simply means to be right. I’m not sure what I had always thought the definition of this Bible word was, but this simple explanation surprised me. I pondered scriptures that told me I was to live a life of righteousness. The Bible was telling me to be right and, of course, to live right. I quickly saw that it was not saying I should work hard to know stuff so I can win arguments. Rightness, according to the Bible is something deeper.

Making Myself Right?

The other thing that caught my attention was the term “self righteousness.” I knew this to have negative connotations but had never thought about what it meant for me. It quickly became obvious, however, that it refers to someone who works to make himself right, self-validated.

Doing “everything” right so I can feel that I’m OK, accepted and affirmed as a person is a tough way to live. It’s probably why there are so many people who behave as if they don’t care what is right. They just live for the moment, whatever feels good is their choice, hoping self-gratification is enough to somehow validate their existence. Afterall, who’s standard of what is right should guide me? Depending on the crowd I’m with, I will always be in danger of committing unrighteousness in someone’s eyes. A slip of the tongue, using wrong words, making someone feel uncomfortable, affirming the views of the wrong political candidate, wearing a brand of clothing or buying a product that has been deemed socially irresponsible. There are a lot of shifting standards I must stay up on if I am to feel right by how others view me.

I am less likely now than ever to hear those coveted words.

I’m at War with Shame

The drive to feel right and be right, is my struggle with a fundamental human corrosion: SHAME. I have come to believe that it’s in all of us somewhere. It is woven into every individual with human parents and is that which sadly binds us together in the human condition. The obsession of proving that I am OK is at work in me only because deep down I feel that there is something wrong with me, which is the most basic definition of what shame is – there is something wrong with me!

As painful as it is to admit, I can never be right enough to satisfy this doubt deep in my soul. No matter how hard I work to achieve superiority in any field; no matter how much education I acquire; no matter how many good things I do for others; no matter how many mind games I play with myself; no matter how many arguments I win; no matter how many times someone might say to me, “You are right.” I will never have enough rightness to be at peace and know I am OK.

At least, not on my own record.

A Gift of Rightness?

I need someone who has NOTHING wrong with him, who has done everything better than me to share his rightness. As crazy as it sounds, its my only hope to ever being truly right.

This is one of the greatest gifts I have been given as part of my faith in Christ. As I have put my trust in Jesus and not in any far-fetched scheme to make myself more correct, I have been given His rightness. I can now walk boldly into the presence of God because I have been given, and have received, and have put on a robe of His Righteousness (Isaiah 61:10 , Revelation 3:17-18, 16:15). What other validation do I need? His rightness is enough.

Whenever I am tempted to argue my way into feeling better about myself, or do a good deed merely to assure myself that I am OK, I am reminded that I am already OK in God’s sight because of the rightness He has shared. Now, I just have to choose to live according to this great gift that has been given to me.

What He Gives is Enough

I can do the right thing because His rightness is here to guide me. And even when I fail to do what is right, His rightness leads me in humility to admit it and be taught how to move forward.

I now know that it’s more than a wish. I am right in God’s eyes because of what Jesus has done. And one day I will hear Him say, “Well done, Jeff.” And it won’t be because of some great deed or any argument I have won. It will be because I trusted Him.

His rightness is enough.

Respond:

• To what lengths do I go to prove to myself and others that I am right?
• How am I guilty of self-righteousness?
• How does that feeling that something is wrong with me drive me to prove it’s not correct?
• What are areas of shame in my life that I have not allowed Christ’s rightness to cover for me?
• Jesus, what does it mean for me to be covered by your righteousness?