Choosing to Honor My Parents

My dad turns 86 tomorrow. He and my mom have been living with us for the past several years. And it’s been so good to have them near in this senior season of their lives. They are able to engage with their grandchildren and great grandchildren in regular and meaningful ways. Having them close has also kindled reflections on what a parent is and can be through all the seasons of life. Traversing the ups and downs of raising four children, my mother and father have provided an example to me and my wife of what it means to endure in faith, hope and love through layers of pain, joy, and disappointment. They exude a tenacious wisdom and belief in God’s goodness as I hear them praying daily for every member of their family and the struggles of their nation.

From a godly mom and dad, I have consistently been given a healthy perspective for navigating life . . . that is to take EVERYTHING to God.

Difficult Parents

But not everyone is able to say the same about their parents. A father and a mother can be either a source of great comfort, joy, and guidance or a contributor to deep confusion, pain, and bitterness — most often a perplexing mix of the positive and negative. During my years in ministry, I have encountered heart-wrenching stories of parenting: abuse, neglect, abandonment, selfishness, narcissism. And the question often comes up, how can a child with such an upbringing sincerely obey the 5^th biblical Commandment: “Honor your father and mother”? What if nothing honorable can be seen in how mothers or fathers have lived their lives or raised their children?

For the longest time, I wasn’t sure how to answer such questions. Some stories have left me in disbelief that a parent could behave in such a horrendously selfish way. We all intuitively know that parents are supposed to at some level give of themselves to their kids and keep giving, even sacrificially. How should a Jesus follower respond to their parents who do nothing of the sort?

No Disrespect

My first step, initially, has been to challenge children of such mothers or fathers to ask God for help to at least not dishonor them. To do even this much usually requires a soul-searching process of forgiveness. Most of us cannot help but blame, degrade, shame, or slander those who have hurt, abandoned, or abused us, whether it be through our accusing and degrading words, or cold silence, or some other retaliatory behavior. True, heart-felt forgiveness is the only way to begin to climb out of the pit of bitterness and drain the disrespectful reactions from our hearts and conduct.

Forgiveness of deep wounding, however, is almost always a process. There is that first step of declaring my intention of truly letting go of what has been done against me. But it can take some time before I start to feel it. In fact, one must always call on God for help to forgive what feels like the unforgivable. It’s a divine work of grace, truly impossible on our own strength. Yet this doorway of letting go must be passed through for healing to begin. And only through such healing can I shed the dishonoring thoughts, words, and practices that so naturally cling to me in my damaged state.

They’re Real People Too

But for a follower of Jesus, I believe there is more that can be done in growing to obey the 5th Commandment. Resentment is almost always rooted in focusing on disappointment and loss. As individuals begin to forgive their parents for failures and wrongs committed (even if the parents never acknowledge their wrongdoing or shortcomings), there is an opportunity to shift where the abused ones give their attention. What are some of the positive memories we carry as we reflect on our moms or dads? I have found that most people can begin to remember at least one pleasant time as they let go of the demands for retribution. And when that memory (no matter how small) resurfaces, they can choose to grab hold of it and dwell there.

It is easy to overlook the fact that our parents are (or were) real people and products of their era and family of origin. Reflecting on, or even imagining what they went through with their own parents, can help make room for some compassion and empathy regarding bad choices they have made. As it is often stated, “Hurt people hurt people.” And while a person’s experiences of being abused can never excuse his or her own abusive behavior, putting ourselves in a difficult mother or father’s shoes can help us grow in our understanding and tenderness toward that difficult person.

Nothing Good to Remember?

Of course, there are those of us — try as we do — who cannot recall any positive memories with a mom or dad. I have sat with more than one person who has wanted to remember something pleasant to focus on but couldn’t. The parent was either totally abusive and neglectful or had completely abandoned the family. There were no memories to draw from.

This is when I give the challenge to express gratitude that your parents chose to bring you into the world. The most minimal reason for honoring our mothers and fathers is that they gave us each life, cooperating with the Author of Life. It doesn’t matter what their intentions were at the time, your parents were the means by which you were given an existence. And in God’s economy, existence is very good (Genesis 1:27-31)! Your Maker chose you to come into being through the actions and choices of your parents. If for nothing else, thank and honor them for their part in giving you life.

So, I ask God to help me give honor where honor is due.

Many of us simply do not see all the people to whom we are indebted. So much of what we have and the means to attain it we have simply received. May God lead each one of us to a place of seeing more clearly all that has been gifted to us, especially the treasure of life that allows us to exist, learn, and choose to respond to God’s love.

Thank you, Mom and Dad. And happy birthday to you, Dad!

Response:

• What are the good memories I have of my parents?
• When was the last time I thanked them and thanked God for them?
• What past hurts from my parents am I still holding on to?
• What all do I have today that I did not provide for myself?
• Jesus, give me a grateful heart that can grow to better honor my parents.