Choosing Strange Love

I read of her in my college literature class, Lady Elaine of Astolat. A figure in Arthurian legend, she died from the weight of unrequited love. Sir Lancelot just didn’t feel it the same way she did.

Of course, dying because of or for the sake of love is a theme that has popped up in stories for a while now. Think Romeo and Juliet as well as Jack in Titanic. Recently, a man died because he threw his body over his wife and daughter when an assassin’s bullets sprayed a crowd at a political rally. The two women are alive because of what he did. It is viewed as a heroic act of love. Why does the combination of love and death strike such deep chords in most people?

Suffering, Death, and Love

Much of our culture’s talk about love centers on sublime feelings or “good vibes.” How do I know I love someone? I experience a thrill or a warmth inside. That person always agrees with me. I want to be around that person all the time. I believe I will be happier and more fulfilled because I have that person in my life.

So often, the focus of love is on me and how the other person makes me feel! Weaving our idea of love with death seems odd for ordinary circumstances. It’s no surprise then that phrases from traditional wedding vows are being dropped. How often do we now hear, “Till death do us part”?

It’s common in our culture that when the relationship’s euphoria or happiness wanes, we start wondering if we still love the other person. The doubts are especially strong when the other becomes a burden, slows me down, keeps me from fulfilling my dreams. The idea of dying (or being inconvenienced) on behalf of someone who irritates me, who doesn’t hold to what I value, or for whom I have no feelings seems absurd, and for some, even wrong.

What is love supposed to look like?

Those Who Understand Love

History of the Christian faith is built on some seemingly odd combinations. For 300 years after Christ’s resurrection, his followers regularly faced humiliation, torture, and death all for the sake of love. Most could have easily avoided being torn apart by wild animals in the arena (or some other form of lethal violence) by simply renouncing their faith in Jesus or offering a sacrifice to the emperor. But facing death was seen as the proper expression for loving their true king as well as being loved by Him. And they were also known for loving each other well.

Ignatius of Antioch (a disciple of the Apostle John) was led across present-day Turkey around 108 AD by ten solders. He was marched to Rome in chains where he would be executed (death by hungry carnivores) in the arena for being a Christian leader. Along the way, he met with many followers of Christ proclaiming his joy to die as a Jesus follower. He told them to not try to stop it from happening.

Polycarp, a friend of Ignatius (and also a disciple of the Apostle John), was an old man when he was burnt at the stake in 155 AD as a follower of Jesus. When his naked body was not consumed by the flames and he did not die, the executioner plunged a spear into him. It is said that his final words were, “I bless you, Father, for judging me worthy of this hour.”

Perpetua and Felicity are two women whose commitment to Jesus led them to die violent deaths for the sake of love in 220 AD. One, the daughter of a wealthy landowner and mother of a newborn, the other a pregnant slave. Both refused to renounce their faith. Gored by wild bulls in the arena of Carthage, they did not immediately die but were finally killed with a sword. Perpetua’s final words were recorded as, “Stand fast in the faith, and love one another, all of you, and be not offended at my sufferings.”

Such a connection between suffering, death, and love, while not rational to our modern sensibility has been called upon through the centuries. It taps into something deeper than warm, self-centered sentiments. It is as if the thread that ties these odd states of being together is also tied into the human heart. This kind of love, though strange, never fails to move humans at a profound level.

And yet it is odd.

Love and Life

 Martin Luther King Jr. famously said, “If a man has not found something he will die for he isn’t fit to live.” Life itself is connected to sacrificial love. And, of course, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13 ESV). Jesus then walked out His own words when He willingly gave up His life because He loved the world so much (John 3:16).

I have to remind myself often that having something or someone I am ready to die for is what makes my life worth living. And it is also a test of real love. It’s counter intuitive to most and therefore strange to many. But it is the pathway followers of Jesus are called to walk. This kind of love scares me but also draws me. It taps into a part of me deeper than my intellect, more profound than all my desires being satisfied at once. Love, so understood, provides a real reason to get out of bed each morning. It gives purpose.

Love Hurts

Lady Elaine died of a broken heart. She loved and it was not returned. Many of us work to avoid attachments that could create such pain and confusion. But that’s not the way of our God. He loves and hurts because of all the unrequited love He endures from the millions who ignore Him. And He invites his children to be like Him. He also invites us to fellowship with Him in this suffering that opens the door to joy.

I want to cultivate this kind of love in my life: love that leads me to forget about myself and dare to suffer for another. It’s odd, weird, bizarre, abnormal, absurd, insane, irregular, and yet it’s what my heart longs for.

How about you?

Can we do it? Only by the grace and help of God.

Response:

• What leads me to primarily associate good feelings with love?
• How often do I link suffering and love in my mind? What might change if I believed they worked together?
• What or who am I ready to die for, for the sake of love?
• Jesus, teach me to love like you.