Choosing to Listen

Ear plugs have become my friend over the years. Whether it’s to dampen outside noise in a motel room with thin walls, help me mute distracting sounds so I can focus on the book I’m reading, or to get a good night’s sleep with a snoring roommate, they’re very helpful. But I’m also growing to appreciate how they can protect my hearing. More and more of my friends are dealing with hearing loss. For some it’s natural with age. For others, it’s a disability or the result of a sickness. Of course for some it is the result of prolonged exposure to loud noises. They are now paying for the rock concerts of their youth.

To hear well is something we often don’t appreciate until we start losing the ability. Technology is allowing us to make up for some of that loss with ever-more-efficient hearing aids. But overall, I find it is easy for those who don’t know any difference to take hearing for granted. We just don’t think about what it takes to comprehend all that’s going on around us.

Longing to be Heard

I remember when I first spent time with a person born deaf. As a boy, I was fascinated with the thought of not being able to hear anything. I also began to comprehend that if someone has never heard sounds before, he will have difficulty speaking. The boy I met was in my youth group, and we all decided to learn some sign language to help with communication. He was delighted with our attempts and would try to speak as he signed his responses. But I could never understand his spoken words. Reflecting on those experience years later, it dawned on me how much he wanted to be heard, whether it was through his voice or his hands. It’s an innate longing of humans. The need to communicate in some way or form is deeply embedded in each of us.

While disease, accidents, and loud noises can disrupt our physical hearing, there are other kinds of hearing problems that infect us humans. It doesn’t take too long to realize that a person can have fully operational ears but still not really hear what’s going on. Hearing involves more than functional eardrums and an acute sensitivity to sound. There must be a desire and commitment to do what is necessary to understand the meaning of what is being said.

Am I Truly Listening?

I have done a lot of pre-marital counseling. Communication ends up being the greatest challenge for almost every couple. There is the needed skill to say what one truly means and desires but also the skill to truly listen. One of the assignments I give is to practice “active listening.” This is where after one of them says what she wants more of in their relationship, her partner repeats back what he has heard. This gives her the opportunity to confirm that he heard her accurately or to correct his understanding until he can repeat it back as she intended for it to be understood. For most couples, this exercise feels awkward at first. But the more time they take to internalize it, each one starts feeling more heard. And that seems to correct 90% of the communication frustration. Feeling heard is a signal of being valued. It is what we all long for in relationships. It is easier to say what needs to be said when we feel that someone is actually listening. After all, hearing and speaking are very closely aligned.

There is another thing I have found that promotes greater listening: asking more questions and making fewer declarative statements. If I really want to hear in order to better know another person, I must ask with the goal of understanding. And they need to be good questions. Questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no don’t give a person permission to express or explore what they are really meaning. These closed questions usually begin with “do” or “does” and “are” or “is” and “will” or “would.” It is questions that are open, inviting the other person to explain and expound, that make hearing more possible and likely. These questions usually begin with “what” or “how” or “when.” Of course, you still have to carefully and actively listen in order to hear what is really being said.

God is Speaking

For a follower of Jesus, hearing God is another category of learning to listen. I have come to the conclusion that hearing God’s “voice” follows many of the principles of hearing what the people around me have to say. I first have to truly desire to hear Him, not just hear what I want Him to say. But in addition, I have to believe that He really wants to speak to me, and this is often an area of insecurity. Why would the God of the universe want to speak to me? But, I am not going to be able to truly hear someone (i.e., God) if I don’t believe He wants to communicate with me.

Once I believe God desires communication, and my heart is open, then I can more confidently look into how He speaks. The best starting point is what He has already said in His written word. Scripture communicates so much about God, His will, His ways, and particularly His great love for the world and for me. In the scriptures, I am told He also speaks through the wise counsel of others, that is, the community of believers. I can also hear Him through the Holy Spirit’s affirmations in my heart. And of course, I will also “hear” Him through circumstances that align. Of course, any one of these (the Bible, counsel from the community, internal witness, and circumstances) taken in isolation, can communicate something other than God’s will. We need the multiplicity of all the methods in hearing God’s voice.

Resisting the Isolation of Pride

A hearing aid may help, but it is the attitude of my heart that best determines my ability to truly hear. The most important question is: do I recognize the need for outside input into my life? The thing that inflicts the greatest damage to my relationships is the stubborn certainty that I am self-sufficient. Another word for this relational corruption is pride.  When I can truly hear others and hear God, it usually means that I have humbled myself to a place of recognizing my inability to live as an island unto myself. I need to learn to listen! Effective hearing is ultimately putting myself into the posture of humility, welcoming the input of God through all the ways He wants to speak to me.

O Lord, teach me to truly listen so I can hear.

Response:

• What could I do differently that would make me a better listener?
• Which of my relationships would benefit from better listening on my part?
• How much do I want to truly hear what others have to say?
• How much do I want to truly hear what God has to say to me? What am I willing to do to open the lines of communication with God?
• Jesus, teach me to truly hear.