Choosing to Expand My Love

We’re counting down to Valentine’s Day. Love and romance (or at least the appearance of this duo) are on a lot of people’s minds. Flowers. Chocolate. Heart-shaped candies. Cards that reveal “true” feelings. They are all part of the celebration of love, at least for the month of February.

The word ‘love’ continues to fascinate me. In English we use one word for it but have so many different meanings hidden within that word. People might be indicating they like something, have a desire for something, are excited for something, enjoy something, attracted to something, feel affection for something, want to give something. We have to be intuitive emotional detectives, taking in all the nuance to determine what someone actually means when this word is used.

It is helpful to look at other languages and how they deal with this word and all its potential meanings. I’m told that in Latin American countries, McDonalds translates its slogan “I’m lovin’ it” to “Me encanta.” The Spanish word for ‘love’ (amor) is not used, rather they make it say something like “It enchants me.” I’m sure many other languages have to avoid a direct translation as well.

C.S. Lewis wrote a book in 1960 called The Four Loves. He introduced the English-speaking world to four Greek words that could be translated into English as love, but each carrying a specific distinction. My study of these has helped greatly in deepening and clarifying what I mean as I ponder what I say I love.

Storgē (στοργή) — Affection

 According to Lewis, this word is used to talk about love of what is familiar. Included are family bonds (parents with children and siblings), long-term friendships, as well as the fondness we feel for ordinary people, comforting routines, and places that hold special memories. Lewis calls it “the humblest and most widely diffused of loves.”

It is probably what a lot of us mean when we talk about the places we love to go, or the people we love to hang out with, or the things we love to do. It’s that tender and sweet affection we feel for those ordinary things and people in our lives that provide a comforting back drop and sense of stability.

Lewis, however, warns of the dangers of storgē when it takes first place in our lives. It can become possessive – think of the parent that cannot let go of an adult child. It can resist growth, wanting to keep what is comfortable from changing. It can excuse harmful behavior in the name of ‘loyalty.’ And when it is made the ultimate, it becomes very selfish, an idol of familiarity and comfort.

Philia (φιλία) — Friendship

Another Greek word for love refers to what we call friendship in English. It is based on shared vision, not on shared need. Lewis says that in its purest form philia is the rarest of natural loves, for it is the most voluntary, not based on personal need at all. It is oriented toward shared pursuits and interests, enables honest confrontation, and invites loyalty without being possessive. True friends can be away from each other for long periods of time and then pick up where they left off when they are together again. It endures.

Yet it also has its dangers. Philia can become exclusive and elitist, contemptuous of ‘outsiders.’ This love can become so strong that it turns into a substitute for moral accountability. What my friend group values automatically becomes what I value. Those with whom I share a philia love easily determine my standard of right and wrong. This love then tends to blind me to more objective principles. And I can be led into some bad places due to friendship loyalties. In the end, however, I believe a lot of what is called ‘friendship’ in our culture today is actually mere neediness or loneliness seeking to be satisfied. Which is why so many ‘friendships’ don’t last.

Eros (ἔρως) — Romantic / Erotic Love

Lewis’s treatment of eros is particularly insightful. He says it is not merely sexual desire. It is the experience of being “in love.” It is my fixation on a specific person I want to know and think about. While sexual desire wants pleasure, eros desires union with the beloved. Lewis makes a clear distinction between eros and lust. Its strengths are that it feels natural to be drawn out of self-interest and make sacrifices for the sake of the beloved. It can lead toward marriage, faithfulness, and devotion. It longs for permanence.

But like the other two natural loves, eros has potential pitfalls. It carries with it powerful feelings that can claim total authority. Given the opportunity, it demands allegiance to itself at the cost of integrity and righteous behavior. It can justify infidelity, dishonesty, and emotional manipulation. One easily forgets that being “in love” does not in itself make an action good. Strong feelings do not equate to correct perceptions of what is true or right.

Storgē, Philia, and Eros, the natural loves as Lewis calls them, must be baptized with something greater than themselves (something unnatural) to become their best selves – what they are meant to be.

Agapē (ἀγάπη) — Charity

It is with the kind of love the New Testament speaks of most often that the natural loves can be purified. Agapē love, the self-giving love (the original definition of charity), seeks the highest good of the other regardless whether it receives anything in return. Unlike the other three, it does not come naturally but is a grace given. It provides correction to and redeems the other loves. Agapē loves what the other three naturally consider unlovable. It makes forgiveness possible. It does not arise from needing something but gives without manipulation or fear.

And while true agapē does not have pitfalls, it can be misunderstood and twisted. It is not a shapeless substance that lacks boundaries; it holds to what is true, right, and good, resisting manipulation. It does not enable harm in another, nor does it destroy the sense of self or erase the emotional needs in the one who exercises it. It sanctifies the other loves, and in the process is often in danger of being called ‘unfeeling,’ ‘hateful,’ ‘uncaring,’ because it is always focused on the greater good of the beloved, not necessarily the immediate happiness.

Let Your Love Expand

With agapē, I can experience storgē (affectionate love) without being possessive or needing to be needed. With agapē, I can walk closely with another in philia (friendship love) without being exclusive nor closing off outside truth and challenge. With agapē, I can exercise eros (romantic love) without making it the highest value in my life nor consuming the one I claim to love. For agapē is the love with which God loves me and is what motivated Him to send His son, Jesus as a sacrificial gift. It is the highest, giving without expectations.

In the end, biblical love is an ordered love. Agapē must come first and oversee all. The other loves aren’t enough on their own.

On Valentine’s Day the spotlight may be on eros. But without agapē, romantic love quickly becomes an end in itself and thus a dead end. May your Valentine’s Day be one of giving without expectation of anything in return and thus fulfill the fullest meaning of the word.

“There is no greater agapē than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13 NLT).

“Agapē is patient and kind. Agapē is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Agapē never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT).

Response:

• How well do I love?
• Which of my loves need more agapē?
• How can I fill this Valentine’s Day with more agapē?
• Jesus, baptize all my loves with agapē.