Choosing Real Comfort
It’s a condition that I have had for many years now.
I am prone to develop infections in my colon that can be extremely painful. It has put me in the hospital in the past, and I have come to recognize the feeling in my body when it’s beginning. I usually have to fight a sense of panic that wants to take over. That is when I scramble to come up with the best treatment, which in the past was always antibiotics, preceded by a frantic call to my doctor begging for a prescription. But in recent years, those pills that always promised healing, have made me feel just as bad as the sickness.
What was I to do?
My condition is called diverticulosis. And when an infection develops, it’s then known as diverticulitis. I finally came to the conclusion that through increased fiber intake with water, probiotics, and a lot of prayer, I could avoid the antibiotics. And it has worked for the past few years.
But what’s my point in detailing my intestinal health? Only that when I’m in pain, I look for relief — usually whatever I believe will provide it the quickest. And sometimes what I imagine to be a cure can be as bad, if not worse, than the disease from which I am seeking freedom. And I don’t think I’m alone in this.
Emotional Pain?
Discomfort of the soul stirs similar desires and tendencies within me. I don’t like feeling bad, whether it be sadness, guilt, loneliness, inadequacy, or boredom. However, I typically do not naturally seek to understand where the internal uneasiness comes from. I JUST WANT RELIEF. So, I reach for the nearest remedy that will dull or cover up the distress, anxiety, or torment. Thus the self-medication I apply to my soul or psyche rarely, if ever, solves anything. It either merely prolongs the tortured feelings or, once my quick fix wears off, it leaves me feeling worse with increased sadness, guilt, shame, confusion, or a miserable mixture of it all.
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Choosing How I See God
Not too long ago I had a conversation with a person who struggles with addiction. He told me how he has a goal of developing more self discipline in his life. But he finds that he always fails in his efforts. He feels that he can’t stick with anything for very long. I affirmed this desire to develop a more disciplined life and then probed a bit into how he has pursued this goal in the past. We talked about what he might do differently going forward. I then asked him how faith might be helpful. He visibly bristled and his tone became sharper.
“I’ve tried Christianity,” he spat. “But I just can’t meet all the expectations that are put on me. And of course, the Bible says that God will love me only if I can meet all of His perfect expectations.” All this was said while rolling his eyes and shaking his head.
I didn’t get a chance to adequately respond to his summation of Christianity and God’s expectations. Time ran out and he had to go. But his words got me thinking about how so many people see God. Our view of the Almighty so profoundly affects how we choose to live our lives. Somewhere in this man’s history, he had picked up the message that God is a fussy rule keeper and is not really interested in helping a person who is not already near perfect. Like so many, he sees humans as being on their own while God watches with His arms crossed, scowling in judgment.
More Information?
Of course, I think this man has it all wrong. That is not the God I have come to know and love. But what does it take for a person to change his or her view of God? I have been asking myself this question for many years.
Read MoreChoosing a Transparent Heart
Some stories in the Bible have struck me as unfair, and at times I have found myself sympathizing with the “bad guy.” Take for example the parable of the three servants who received money from their master to invest while he was gone (Matthew 25:14-30). I can relate to the last servant who was given only one bag of money, compared to the other servants, with one receiving two and the other five. Of course he felt less important than the other two as well as unmotivated, feeling he could never be equal with them. And then the master treated the single-bag servant so harshly. In another version of the story, the master took the one bag of silver from the chastised servant and gave it to the one who already had 10 (Luke 19:11-27)! Unfair! Unfair!
I have, however, come to appreciate the lessons from this parable (like the consequences of comparing myself with others). Yet I’m still uncomfortable with how my natural sense of fairness is rarely affirmed in the Bible. It seems that God is more often interested in what goes on inside a person (the part others can’t see) than what is judged as right or wrong from outside observation. He sees and seeks to deal with a person at a heart level.
For No Apparent Reason
Another one that has bothered me over the years is the story of Cain and Abel (Genesis 4:1-16). The two brothers each brought gifts to the LORD as part of their worship. Cain was a farmer, and so he presented a sampling of his crops to God. Abel was a shepherd who brought a lamb. Makes sense so far. But then God responded by accepting Abel’s offering and rejecting Cain’s. Cain was angry and depressed about it. There’s no further explanation. No explicit commandment that was disobeyed. Cain became so ticked off at his younger brother that he killed him, the first murder. And while of course Cain’s response was evil, some have suggested that God provoked him. Why would God arbitrarily welcome one gift and accept another, especially when both were apparently brought as an act of worship? I have been tempted again to cry “unfair!”
Read MoreChoosing to Care About Someone Else’s Stuff
A few years back, some friends asked if I would keep their car while they spent a few months working in Asia. I could use it as a second vehicle as long as I took care of it. It ended up being a great deal for us as a family who had only one vehicle. It was more sporty than our minivan, a stick-shift, and a lot of fun to drive. Ironically, I was accused of giving it more tender loving care than our own vehicle – checking the oil at each fill-up, regular car washes, vacuuming the inside. Why? Though I enjoyed it for the season as if it was my own, I knew it was not really mine. I wanted my friends to continue to trust me and think of me whenever they had something else of importance that needed watching.
The old-fashioned word for such a role is “steward.” The term “stewardship” refers to the management of someone else’s property. It’s a word you’re likely to hear these days mainly in church services when the pastor is speaking on giving. And for the longest time, that is what I thought the word meant: giving money to the church to keep it going. I’ll save my thoughts on that for another post.
But as the years have passed, my role as a steward has taken on greater meaning. Giving thanks has become an important discipline in my life (read post on Thanksgiving). After all, there really is nothing I possess that I have acquired purely on my own. The problem, of course, is that I easily behave as if what I have is solely mine to do with as I wish. Money, titles, relationships, and time are all gifts from my Creator. Yet how I use them is still often directed by my self-gratifying desires and fears, not the love and wisdom of the One who gave them. Typically this produces a short-term mindset, seeking immediate satisfaction, rather than understanding long-term purpose. But what might be the benefits if I truly believed and lived as if everything in my possession ultimately belongs to another – to the One who gives generously but always with a purpose?
Read MoreChoosing to Wait for the Blessing
Several years ago, I assisted two of my grandchildren in making a craft/snack project. With the help of their grandmother, we made little “bird nests” out of peanut butter, chocolate, and crunchy chow mein noodles. As a final touch, we placed three colorful jellybeans in each. The kids were delighted, especially when I told them we could eat them later. However, every time a nest was full, and I glanced away for a moment, my gaze returned to find an “egg” or two missing. Delayed gratification is a completely foreign concept for two- and three-year-olds.
It’s not until a child is five or older that she can even begin to comprehend the benefits of restraining those immediate urges.
I like to think that I have moved beyond the preschool stage in the self-control department. However, when I step on the scale and grimace at the number that appears, why do I not stop my unhealthy late-night snacking? Satisfying my short-term appetites still dominates much of my behavior. Studies have shown that those who learn to defer gratification have greater success in many areas of life—academic and social competence as well as physical and psychological health.
Might it also apply to spiritual wholeness and well-being?
What’s so good about waiting?
Of course, one of the Fruits of the Spirit is self control (Galatians 5:22). This tells me that an indicator of the indwelling Spirit of God is my own spirit’s ability to govern itself according to God’s guidance, desires, and design. A lack of self control implies that there are still resistors within impeding the flow of the Holy Spirit’s presence and will. Fruit, after all, naturally appears on healthy plants. Thus, difficulty in managing my negative impulses, be they angry, controlling, eating, sexual or verbal, indicates God’s Spirit has not yet been given full sway in my life.
It’s also a matter of what has my attention in the moment. One of the conditions that hinders the development of deferred gratification is a focus on avoiding discomfort with little-to-no thought for future ramifications. Like most everyone, I want to feel good and satisfied now. I appreciate the immediate benefits the Bible presents to followers of Jesus, like peace, joy and forgiveness as we put our faith in Him. But much of what the scriptures offer are promises for the future, not yet fulfilled.
Read MoreChoosing to See Things in a New Way
Perhaps you’ve seen the presentation before. Someone asks you to tell them what you see on the screen. You look, and there is a single black dot in the middle. That is all. The presenter then asks if there is anything more. Once you confirm that the tiny black speck is the only thing there, the presenter then asks about all the white space surrounding the dot. Oh! You never thought about considering that as part of what was there. Now you’re looking at the screen differently.
This is just one of many ways to introduce the idea of “reframing.”
It’s the act of seeing a situation or problem from a different perspective. It can be a very helpful instrument for change. Therapists use it. Life Coaches use it. Leaders use it. And many individuals have turned it into a personal problem-solving tool. The goal is to find a solution or way forward when confronted with the feeling that you’re limited or stuck.
Viewing circumstances from a different angle almost always loosens up stiff thinking patterns. In the example above, our minds tend to put a “frame” around the one tiny particle at the center of the screen, and that is all that is consciously acknowledged. A new perspective is gained when the “frame” is stretched outward to encompass the entire screen. Awareness of previously unseen space opens the door for new possibilities, and for any potential problem, new solutions. We also see that the dot (or problem) is not as big as it once looked once a new frame opens our eyes to a larger context.
A New Perspective
I learned to do this long before I knew there was a name for it. As I was hit with problems, fears, and hurts when I first joined the ministry I work with, a wise voice often asked me, “What does Jesus want to teach you in this, Jeff?”
Read MoreChoosing to “Know” Less
As a child, I remember when my Sunday school knowledge about God and the Bible became dull and simple. I was a jaded 12-year-old, having grown up saturated with what felt like dry, moralistic lessons drawn from the pages of scripture. The words faith, hope, love, sin, humility, heaven, the cross, and resurrection stirred yawns in me. I had heard it all a million times. Was there anything about this Christian stuff that was fresh and exciting? New information? As a young adolescent, I began to doubt that there was anything more about Jesus worth knowing.
Fortunately, I encountered the real presence of Jesus in my life through some fellow high school students who experienced radical transformation when they surrendered to God. These friends who had not had the same immersion in scripture and biblical teaching seemed to appreciate it so much more. And this intrigued me. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I truly began to appreciate the biblical education I had been given as a child. And as I have grown older, I have returned to those boring words that were hammered into me during Sunday school. I now realize that they were at the core of all I needed to know.
Back to the Beginning
In 1986, a book was published by Robert Fulghum entitled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.* The first essay reflects on how better the world would be if more adults would apply to their lives the principles that children are taught when they’re still quite young. He then lists a few:
Read MoreChoosing to Make It Real
Valentine’s Day was that time of the year, when as a child I thought I would discover who truly liked me. At school, little pre-printed cards were distributed by each classmate that typically said something like, “Be My Valentine,” or “Be mine.” Some even had a piece of candy taped to it. Regardless of what the intention of the giver was, all it meant to me was that someone was thinking of me as special. But it was more often than not, disappointing. Even when I received a card from one of the girls or guys in the class with strong social capital, it took only a few seconds to realize that everyone else had received one from that person too.
And then there were the cards that had “mushy” words of affection added to them, typically from someone whose special attention I particularly did not desire; for some reason those cards never counted. In the end, it was usually a day of letdown. I was looking to receive something, a certain feeling, that I did not know how to articulate. But I never thought about what I might have to give to another classmate. The Day would leave me with the question that I still often ask: What is love all about, really?
America still appears to celebrate our cultural understanding of love on Valentine’s Day. While some (children and adults) use it as a celebration of affectionate friendships, I think it’s safe to say that the majority understand it as a time to commemorate romance and sexual attraction. On this day we exalt the feelings of allurement along with physical and emotional chemistry one person experiences with another. It is a far cry, I suspect, from what the original Saint Valentine would have endorsed (another blog).
Read MoreChoosing Hard Conversations
I was 19 years old working a summer job between college semesters painting our little town’s city hall. It was a season of experiencing new life in my spiritual walk with Jesus. One day, I was overjoyed to have a conversation with a local business owner next to the government building, in which he expressed thanksgiving for all that Jesus had done in his life. I was encouraged and shared a bit of my spiritual journey. He seemed encouraged as well.
The next day, as I was high up on some scaffolding, I overheard the businessman’s conversation with a customer below in his shop. The windows were open. The exchange got heated. The businessman’s volume increased, and his language became abusive, calling the customer many foul things. I was devastated over the behavior of my Christ-following brother. And for the rest of the day and all that night I couldn’t get out of my mind all the things the man had said.
In the middle of the night, the thought occurred to me that I should talk to him about what I had heard and how it had affected me. I did not like that thought. The next morning and all through my day of work, the thought would not leave. Just before going home, I happened to see him. Trembling, I told him what I had heard and how poorly I thought it had represented Jesus. The man looked at me in shock and was speechless for a few moments. He finally waved his hand, muttering “nobody’s perfect” and walked away. For the rest of the summer, I never saw him again. I suspect he made it a point to avoid me.
Because I care?
To this day, I can’t say for sure that talking to him about his behavior was the right thing to do. I only know that I was hoping (rather naively I suppose) that he could be a true Christian brother and we could encourage and challenge one another in our faith throughout those long summer days. What I am certain of today is that there are always going to be conversations to be had that are very hard. And I have wrestled with the question over the years whether or not they’re worth having. As a husband, father, son, brother, friend, and ministry leader, why bother with bringing up difficult things with people, especially with people I want to have a good relationship with? Why not work to avoid the uncomfortable and “keep the peace?”
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Choose This Day 