Choosing What I Look Like
It’s been used as a joke, but there are some very funny images to support it as a reality. Do humans often resemble their pets? In attitude and temperament? Even in their looks? It appears that the answer is a strong YES! This phenomenon, particularly with dogs, has actually been studied and photographed multiple times*. The theories vary as to why this seems to be more than a coincidence. But for me, it is obvious. For one, we are attracted to things (and people) who are like us in some way. And for two, we tend to take on the characteristics of those we hang out with most often.
This idea can be seen in couples who have been married for many years. Friends who are constantly together also can begin to take on similarities that they don’t even recognize but are obvious to the outside observer. While my wife and I will be the first to point out all the ways the two of us are different, others see our similarities: our values, our lifestyles, our faith, and even some of our habits and mannerisms. It wasn’t always that way. But having been married for more than 40 years now, it’s fair to say we’ve rubbed off onto each other a bit. And, as for the non-couples out there, just look at social groups from teens on up in age. From hairstyles to clothing choices, to the use of piercings and tattoos, not to mention language and all the other cultural traits. We become more and more like those we open our lives up to.
It’s more than a physical thing
But I can see a spiritual side to this as well. I heard it said many years ago, “You become like whatever you worship.” If that is true, why would it be so?
Read MoreChoosing a Wise King
We have just finished Holy Week, and I am still reflecting on what it all means. Resurrection Sunday morning provides some hearty food for thought, considering that the followers of Christ are promised to one day experience being resurrected with new incorruptible bodies themselves. Good Friday is a bit more challenging. The Cross tends to stir offense or ridicule. But each one of Jesus’ followers have to wrestle with why he had to die a bloody death. What does it mean that Christ died for me? Christ’s death and resurrection have been and always will be the core of the Christian faith. How one responds to them determines what kind of Christ follower a person really is.
But what about that first day of Holy Week? We call it Palm Sunday. It has always been a bit of a mystery to me. Even as a child, I noticed the incongruence of Jesus being hailed the King of the Jews by adulatory crowds on this day only to be arrested, beaten, mocked and killed as a criminal a few days later. Why is recognizing this day significant? Why should we still celebrate it? And what application does it carry for our daily lives today?
Read MoreChoosing to Hate Self-Pity
Ever been treated badly? Abandoned? Insulted? Ignored? Forgotten? Replaced? Taken for granted? Or you just feel like you never get a break? Nothing goes your way?
Join the club!
I have felt the sting (and sometimes the gut-punch) of all these abuses and misfortunes many times over in my lifetime. I haven’t always responded in the healthiest way. Anger, accusation, and resentment have been common. But my favorite go-to for a good portion of my life has been the cuddly-soft emotional blanket of self-pity.
The word “pity” comes from a Latin word that means dutiful respect or devotion. Its roots are closely related to the English word, “piety.” To show pity to others fundamentally refers to ‘dutifully showing respect’ for the pain or suffering of those around us. But when this pity is turned inward, all our attention and energy is ‘dutifully’ applied to the care and comfort of our own wounds and bruised feelings. The more we indulge in this warped type of “self-care,” the more it becomes an engrained pattern. And the less time and energy we have to direct sincere care outwards toward others as well as to respond to what God desires to show us.
Let’s be honest: it’s ugly!
Self-pity is one of those habits that we tend to notice in others before we identify in ourselves. When something goes wrong in a colleague or family member’s life, we see how often they view and verbalize their difficulties as the fault of circumstances and the bad intentions of others. Rarely do they take responsibility. They quickly move into nursing the perspective that such things ought never happen to them (life and God are so unfair). They typically assume they are experiencing worse treatment than anyone around them. This leads to lifting their own “suffering” above the difficulties of others and either minimizing or completely blinding themselves to the pain that those around them are experiencing. Without intervention, these patterns and conclusions become part of a person’s identity.
Don’t you hate it when people have such self-absorbed attitudes?
Read MoreChoosing a Deeper Strength
My desire as a boy was to be strong. Being verbally and physically picked on in elementary school, I became fascinated with the idea of becoming powerful. The longing to demonstrate my strength led to a few fights and endless daydreaming of what that day would feel like when I could show the bullies what I had inside me.
And there were also the models of “manliness” I was exposed to. Athletic coaches were the most influential. They taught me that to get ahead in sports and in the world, I needed to push harder, and do whatever necessary to be better than the person in front of me. Success would come to those who could overpower the next guy. My cumulative adolescent understanding was that strength was proportional to aggression and determination to subdue anyone who stood in my way.
But my feelings of weakness always seemed to be the most powerful things within me. And as a result, I never could sustain any personal campaign of dominance or viewing myself as a conqueror.
And then there was Jesus. I was trained to look to Him as my example, praying to surrender my life to Him when I was a boy. But as I read the Bible stories, I couldn’t escape the feeling that He, as my model, was just as weak as me. Pretty disheartening for a kid trying to figure out the secret of vanquishing abusers and proving to everyone, especially myself, that I wasn’t weak. Jesus, afterall, let Himself be bullied, taught that His followers should “turn the other cheek” when attacked, and eventually gave Himself up to be killed on a cross.
What hope was there for me?
Read MoreChoosing to Honor What is Truly Valuable
I traveled quite a bit when my children were young. I led outreach teams to foreign countries and could be gone for several weeks at a time. We didn’t have a lot of money, and so when it came to bringing gifts home to my kids I had to get creative. For my two young boys, I began to bring them rocks from the different countries I visited.
For one trip, I traveled with a team throughout the North African nation of Tunisia. On one of our days, we toured some of the ruins of Carthage, the ancient enemy of Rome. I don’t know what it is like today, but back when I was there, we were allowed to wander among the crumbling columns dating back 2500 years. With remains of the timeworn pillars lying about on the ground, I picked up several pieces for my return-home gifts.
My boys were delighted (as they had been with all the rocks I had given them from previous travel). They listened to me explain where these had come from, how old these pieces of masonry were, and why they were actually very precious because of the history they represented. A few days later I found out that they had taken their rock collection outside with some friends to “play with.” The stones of ancient Carthage were never seen again. Perhaps one day archeologists will find them and ponder whether Carthaginians might have had an outpost in East Texas.
It’s a difficult task to teach children how to value things that they don’t see immediate value in. Truly, it’s difficult to teach adults that as well.
All for a Bowl of Stew
There’s a story in the Old Testament that illustrates how blind “big kids” can be to the treasures they have right in front of them (Genesis 25:29-34). Esau, son of Isaac and older brother to Jacob is said to have come home from a grueling day in the wilderness. He smelled the stew that his younger brother was making and insisted that he give him some. Jacob, the devious younger brother, agreed on the condition that Esau deliver over to him the birthright that was unique to the oldest son. “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” he said. He then agreed to his brother’s demands, gobbled down his bowl of lentils, and went on to whatever he was doing next.
A birthright in that culture was a claim to twice the inheritance of all the other siblings. It also carried with it the responsibility of caring for the elderly parents. When Esau surrendered this privilege to his younger brother, two things were likely going on. He possibly thought about the burden it would be to attend to his parents in their old age and didn’t mind letting go of that duty. He had earlier shown a disregard for his father and mother by marrying a local Canaanite girl against their explicit wish. But it is also probable that the double inheritance felt so far away in the future that it held minimal meaning for him in the moment.
After all, he was hungry now.
Read MoreChoosing to Release It
I was deliberately maligned. A ministry co-worker, years ago, told my supervisor that I had screamed at her when she had confronted me. When this was brought to my attention, I knew right away that she was covering for her own bad behavior in that moment. But no one else had been close enough to hear and verify our verbal exchange. I, who had always been so careful to guard my behavior, was being painted as the out-of-control bad guy, and it felt so unfair. Made me angry. But I didn’t know how to defend myself.
The only thing I could do was to act like it didn’t bother me. But in reality, it dug deep into my soul. The more I thought about it (and I rehearsed the scenario uncountable times), the more anger I felt, and the more I couldn’t stand the thought of being around this person. I knew I needed to forgive, but I didn’t feel capable, and I didn’t really want to. It felt so right to be offended by her scheme to justify herself at my expense, and so I let myself fume over the injustice of it all, seeing myself as a martyr – a victim of Christian ministry gone bad. I knew it probably wasn’t right, but I would just keep it to myself and stew on it privately.
Sometime after that (I don’t remember how long), I heard someone talking about having it as his goal to be “unoffendable.” The idea sounded like a fantasy but intriguing. What if I could live in such a way that other people’s issues did not rankle me or negatively affect my choices, the way I lived, and how I related to others?
I no longer believe it is a delusional idea. But it is a matter of taking up forgiveness as a lifestyle. Just as not holding on to an offensive person’s actions or words is a choice, taking up the offense in the first place is also something I choose to do or not do.
Read MoreChoosing a Different Kind of Medication
It’s a condition that I have had for many years now.
I am prone to develop infections in my colon that can be extremely painful. It has put me in the hospital in the past, and I have come to recognize the feeling in my body when it’s beginning. I usually have to fight a sense of panic that wants to take over. That is when I scramble to come up with the best treatment, which in the past was always antibiotics, preceded by a frantic call to my doctor begging for a prescription. But in recent years, those pills that always promised healing, have made me feel just as bad as the sickness.
What was I to do?
My condition is called diverticulosis. And when an infection develops, it’s then known as diverticulitis. I finally came to the conclusion that through increased fiber intake with water, probiotics, and a lot of prayer, I could avoid the antibiotics. And it has worked for the past few years.
But what’s my point in detailing my intestinal health? Only that when I’m in pain, I look for relief — usually whatever I believe will provide it the quickest. And sometimes what I imagine to be a cure can be as bad, if not worse, than the disease from which I am seeking freedom. And I don’t think I’m alone in this.
Emotional Pain?
Discomfort of the soul stirs similar desires and tendencies within me. I don’t like feeling bad, whether it be sadness, guilt, inadequacy, or boredom. However, I typically do not naturally seek to understand where the internal uneasiness comes from. I just want relief. So, I reach for the nearest remedy that will dull or cover up the distress. Thus the self-medication I apply to my soul or psyche rarely, if ever, solves anything. It either merely prolongs the uncomfortable feelings, once my quick fix wears off, or it leaves me feeling worse with increased sadness, guilt, or confusion.
Read MoreChoosing to Give Up on Revenge
I almost killed my younger brother when I was 12. He was being mean to our sister, and when I stepped in, he said something—I don’t remember what. But I lost it. I put my hands around his throat and squeezed as hard as I could. The screams of our sister finally cleared the red haze clouding my brain. My brother’s face was a shade of blue. I pulled away, stunned that I could do such a thing. Even though I was young, and I felt my feelings were justified, I couldn’t deny that something dark had churned up to the surface. And It scared me, not to mention my siblings.
What is it?
Anger is an emotion that provides a surge of energy through the body and mind. In addition, it’s a protective armor that covers the vulnerable and weak places where my insecurities dwell within. It makes me feel bigger and more powerful than I actually am. It’s addictive and difficult to put away once it is found to be effective for injecting strength I can’t otherwise access. It makes me feel in control . . . for a moment.
But it’s also destructive and twists my judgment. Yes, the Bible mentions righteous anger, the kind without sin (Ephesians 4:26). But the stuff we mostly deal with falls far from any rightness in its results: holes in walls; broken tennis rackets; refusal to speak to that person; impulsive texts that “speak our minds;” friends and family members who now avoid us; canceling; secret desires to get even and see people hurt, a younger brother with bruises around his neck. And it only gets worse.
For centuries, Jesus followers have classified anger as one of the Seven Deadly Sins.* These sins are the attitudes and behaviors that early Jesus followers recognized as seedbeds for all sorts of evil. Anger is a particularly toxic one since it is so easily justified and quickly grows. While anger can take various forms and even smolder hidden within our hearts, a common way this particular sin manifests is as a drive for revenge, desiring and even meditating on others getting the humiliation or pain we feel they’ve earned.
Wishing on them what they deserve
The Bible declares that vengeance is territory that belongs to God alone (Romans 12:19). But the hunger for it can get so strong. And the taste of it, so sweet (at least that’s what we imagine). We want justice—that is, personal satisfaction—when we’re offended. Finding a way to take it into our own hands, right a wrong, humiliate a bully, hurt a hurter or humble someone acting too arrogant just feels right and even pleasurable. But God seems to be saying that we will rarely, if ever, get it right and the pleasure, if any, will be short-lived. We only mess things up more. We are urged to leave it to Him and then bless our enemies (Luke 6:28). Anger interferes with us dealing with “undeserving” people God’s way. And He has a way, if we’ll only trust Him.
So, why is anger a deadly sin? Because so many dark, ugly, and damaging sins spring out of it. In its essence, it opens the door for us to dehumanize another person or group. Unrestrained anger then paves the way for prejudice, malicious talk, defaming another’s character, gossip, shunning, broken relationships, hatred, violence and homicide—justifying each sin the whole way. We don’t treat people as made in the image of God because in our anger we have judged they don’t deserve that sort of value. Basically, we can’t handle anger without inflicting some kind of damage on others—and ourselves. Uncontrolled anger will destroy us if not confronted. We must call it what it is and choose to turn away from it.
It’s not my friend
The first step for dealing with any sin is agreeing with God and changing the way we think about it. Do you rationalize your bad, grumbling attitude toward that jerk you have to work with? Do certain politicians consistently stir your ire which justifies your hating, belittling, and wishing the worst for them? Recognize it as the seedbed that it is. Left unconfronted, these feelings put down deep roots and grow other things in your life, like bitterness and the inability to love when it counts. As people who are called to be marked by love in our dealings with ALL people, Jesus followers must repent where anger drives our attitudes and shapes our perspective of others, no matter who the other is.
Like all sin, we must choose to hate anger in our lives and not coddle it (read my post on sin). When we feel it being stirred, we must learn to lay it down as a right, choosing to bless rather than curse (it is possible). We can ask Jesus to show us how He sees the object of our disgust and ire. We don’t have to like or tolerate the unjust actions of others, but we are called to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44), those who are against us and our values. Our human anger works against choosing love (we may have to rework our definition of love). The Bible says that the sin of anger even gives Satan a special foothold in our lives (Ephesians 4:26-27). I know I certainly don’t benefit giving him any extra help!
So, confess it as a sin. Identify what feeds your anger. Ask for help from those who can pray with you and walk you through the healing process where you’ve been hurt in the past and are vulnerable, which is often the root of much anger. Seek those who can hold you accountable in your thoughts, words and reactions. Don’t let anger make a home in your life.
God is offering to be your strength when you feel weak and your shield when you feel vulnerable. It’s not His will for you to let a cheap and toxic substitute like anger take His place.
Response:
- What are the “little” ways that the desire for personal justice (aka: revenge) creeps into my heart? How do I rationalize this as OK?
- What have been some of the fruit of uncontrolled anger in my life and relationships?
- How does anger lie to me by making me feel strong for the moment? What vulnerable issues in my life am I trying to protect with anger and need to surrender them to Jesus for His covering?
- Where do I need to have my heart healed -so anger doesn’t have a place to put down roots?
- Jesus, what do you want to say to me about the anger in my heart?
*Also known as “cardinal sins” or “capital vices,” they include pride, greed, envy, anger, sloth, gluttony and lust. They are often thought to be abuses or excessive versions of one’s natural passions. For example, the sin of anger as a desire for justice (which is natural) gone bad, twisted or out of control.
(Edited and reposted from February 1, 2021)
Choosing to Start Small
Speculations on the beginning of the universe fascinate me. There is, of course, the Big Bang Theory (not the television show). It is the most commonly known hypothesis, proposing that all existing matter was at one time compressed into a tiny, infinitely dense speck called a singularity. It then exploded (what caused the blast is unclear), sending stars and planets shooting across infinite space. At least that’s the theory. It continues to be reshaped, questioned, and for some, disregarded as additional information is collected and new theories proposed.
But the idea that something of such great magnitude as the universe could be squeezed to a point infinitely dense and minute is what I find so interesting. Is that possible? And if true, what might it have to say about the God who brought the universe into existence?
The study of nature and physics, I believe, can sometimes confirm and reveal the thoughts and values of our Creator. As I get to know my God, I have a hard time believing that anything He designed and made was random. Jesus relates water to the life-giving work of His Spirit. He also likens the consuming of bread (or any food) to be like the spiritual nourishment He provides for those who depend completely on Him. Wind and breath are equated with the work of the Holy Spirit. Many concrete physical realities are used to help us begin to understand abstract spiritual truth. The problem, of course, is that my brain is too tiny to take in all the ways creation reveals His work, His values, and His character. Yet it’s all there in front of us. And every once in a while, scientific study scratches below the surface.
Big God, Little People
Going back to the universe. We have to believe in a mighty God if we understand that He created everything that exists. But why would a being so mighty and infinite in capacity be interested in things that are so limited and tiny? The writer of Psalm 8 appears to have wondered the same thing:
Read MoreChoosing to Resist the Bitter Pill
As a kid, there were certain old people I avoided. They were the kind that didn’t seem to have the capacity to endure the messiness and clumsiness of children. They couldn’t see the intentions of little ones when something got spilt or broken. They were the kind who yelled or growled when there was a bit too much noise. They complained when kids walked on their lawn, left fingerprints on their windows, created stains on the carpet, or ran through hallways in church. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t always avoid them. At times it felt as if they were stalking me, pointing accusing fingers, wishing aloud for the good ol’ days when children were seen but not heard. In general, they lamented how poorly they were treated by almost everybody. It wasn’t till I got older that I learned a good descriptor for this type of person: bitter.
Getting older myself, I now sometimes wonder what can keep me from becoming like one of those crotchety elders whose company I so much wanted to escape. It’s not as simple as I once assumed. For I can feel within myself attitudes or thoughts that remind me of those despised ancient ones. When I feel irritated that those around me don’t see things the right way – the way I do. When I want to blame the world’s messes on all the people out there who know nothing but at the same time overlook my own ignorance. When I don’t want to let go of the hurt and offenses committed against me and those I care about. When I feel like God has forgotten me and doesn’t seem to be concerned if I hurt or wallow in bewilderment. When pain and confusion get the better of me and all I want to do is spill it out and force others to feel it too.
The hard truth: I have great potential for becoming a bitter old man.
It Can Take Over
No one turns into a rancorous, vitriolic, distasteful human being overnight. It seeps into an individual little by little, choice by choice. I know of no one who has made it their life ambition to become that person everyone wants to avoid. But bitterness, nevertheless, shows up and produces more fruit like itself until it takes over and rules a personality.
Read More
Choose This Day 