Choosing to be a Good Big Brother

Tension between siblings has been around for a long time. Movies love this theme: Mufasa versus Scar in The Lion King; Thor versus Loki in the Marvel Universe; Michael versus Fredo in The Godfather Part 2; Tommy versus Brendan in Warrior. Legends say that the city of Rome started with two brothers, Romulus and Remus, vying for supremacy. Romulus finally killed Remus. And of course there are the biblical examples: Cain and Abel, Esau and Jacob, Joseph and all eleven of his brothers.

Even now, outside of cinematic stories and ancient tales, siblings fight with tragic consequences. I recently read this headline in The Minnesota Star Tribune: “Man angered by brother not picking up after himself fatally stabs him in Minneapolis home, police say.”* It doesn’t seem to take much to set off siblings to be at each other’s throats.

A Hero’s Family Issues

One biblical rivalry that I have only recently begun to ponder is that of David and his brothers. There was tension between him and the oldest, Eliab. In 1 Samuel 16, the prophet Samuel comes to the house of Jesse, directed by the LORD, to anoint one of the eight sons as the next king of Israel. Samuel assumes it will be the oldest, Eliab, a leader and experienced warrior in Israel’s army. Instead, the “insignificant” youngest who was not even invited to the meal is chosen. We are not given insight into Eliab’s thoughts until the next chapter. The little shepherd-boy, David, shows up asking a lot of questions as Goliath the giant comes out from the Philistine camp to mock Israel’s army.

Big brother says to little brother, “Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle” (1 Samuel 17:28b NIV).

Before David fights big Goliath, he has to deal with his big brother. Eliab was clearly triggered by David being there. He, after all, was a mature, experienced warrior. His baby brother, who has been given the idea that he will one day be king, is now acting like he can do something that none of the other seasoned fighters can do. 

This is beyond annoying for the oldest sibling! Eliab was angry (and perhaps a bit humiliated).

The truth is, David probably was annoying. He had great faith in God, but he was still young and immature and maybe didn’t handle things with wisdom and tact. The shepherd boy dared to believe he was destined for something great, and he likely talked with a confidence that seemed out of place, humiliating those who were wrestling with their legitimate fear of a monstrous warrior. 

David, we’re told, brushed off his brother’s scolding and went on to do what no “experienced warrior” dared to try. He killed the giant.

I can relate to Eliab’s blindness, not seeing what God saw in someone.

I’m reminded of another older brother story. In Luke 15, Jesus told what is known as the Parable of the Prodigal Son. The mature and responsible brother had to watch his immature, irresponsible younger brother be celebrated. It pushed him over the edge, and he refused to take part. And I confess that I have related more often with the older brother here than the wild younger brother.

Big-Brother Syndrome

In both stories, I see three issues contributing to this big-brother attitude:

1. Pride: The older siblings believed they had earned the place of authority and superiority in the family system. They were unable to see beyond this hierarchical set up. In addition to age, they had accomplishments and experience that assured them they knew more and were better than the younger, less disciplined brothers. This pride blinded them to the value in their younger siblings. They couldn’t see them the way their Heavenly Father did.

• Envy: The older siblings saw their younger and less worthy brothers receiving status and celebration they didn’t deserve. Rather than finding confidence in their own accomplishments and identities, they envied what the young ones were getting. They were unable to rejoice in the blessings of another. Anger and bitterness soon followed. The older brother in Jesus’ story was blinded by his envy so that he could not see all that he had already been given.

• Judgment: Eliab explicitly said he knew what was in David’s heart. The truth is that no human can really know the motivations of another human by just watching them. The scriptures are clear that only God knows the heart and why a person does what he does (1 Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 16:2). Yes, we are instructed to pay attention to the fruit produced in a person’s life (Matthew 7:15-20) but to leave the judging of motives to God alone.

Learning from the ‘Least of These‘

In the end, humility and trust in God’s ultimate justice are what we need to resist “older brother” attitudes. The Bible has plenty of stories where God works through the least likely person, often the youngest, least mature, or seemingly worthless. They remind us of what God values most in His children: tender, teachable hearts, readiness to trust Him over accumulated knowledge and experience.

Maybe all those movies and stories arise because we can relate to the tension and animosity that so many siblings experience. But we can resist those natural tendencies to look down on those younger or less experienced by choosing to be learners. No matter how old and experienced we become, we can catch new things about how God operates, working through unlikely individuals and groups.

I have told God that I’m willing to learn from anyone (no matter their age or social status) and any experience (no matter how negative and painful). It’s not easy, and sometimes I realize only afterwards that I missed an opportunity because of some prejudice I still carry.

But praying like this is necessary if I am going to resist becoming one of “those” big brothers. After all, we need more Davids who stand up to giants. The question is, will we create an environment where they can be encouraged and built up even as they’re a bit annoying?

Response:

• How have I experienced competition, envy, or unforgiveness in relationships with my siblings? What do I need to do to make things right?
• What is my general attitude towards those I consider less experienced, less educated, less cultured, less dynamic, or less spiritual? How might my “superior” attitude prevent me from seeing or hearing what God wants to teach me as well as what He’s doing in that person’s life?
• How do I define humility? How open am I to learning something, regardless the person or circumstance?
• Jesus, teach me to be a good “big brother.”

*The Minnesota Star Tribune, May 1, 2026