Choosing Strange Love
I read of her in my college literature class, Lady Elaine of Astolat. A figure in Arthurian legend, she died from the weight of unrequited love. Sir Lancelot just didn’t feel it the same way she did.
Of course, dying because of or for the sake of love is a theme that has popped up in stories for a while now. Think Romeo and Juliet as well as Jack in Titanic. Recently, a man died because he threw his body over his wife and daughter when an assassin’s bullets sprayed a crowd at a political rally. The two women are alive because of what he did. It is viewed as a heroic act of love. Why does the combination of love and death strike such deep chords in most people?
Suffering, Death, and Love
Much of our culture’s talk about love centers on sublime feelings or “good vibes.” How do I know I love someone? I experience a thrill or a warmth inside. That person always agrees with me. I want to be around that person all the time. I believe I will be happier and more fulfilled because I have that person in my life.
So often, the focus of love is on me and how the other person makes me feel! Weaving our idea of love with death seems odd for ordinary circumstances. It’s no surprise then that phrases from traditional wedding vows are being dropped. How often do we now hear, “Till death do us part”?
It’s common in our culture that when the relationship’s euphoria or happiness wanes, we start wondering if we still love the other person. The doubts are especially strong when the other becomes a burden, slows me down, keeps me from fulfilling my dreams. The idea of dying (or being inconvenienced) on behalf of someone who irritates me, who doesn’t hold to what I value, or for whom I have no feelings seems absurd, and for some, even wrong.
What is love supposed to look like?
Read MoreChoosing to Think Big
What gives meaning to life? That is the philosophical and spiritual question that has been asked for thousands of years. As a follower of Jesus, I have assumed that all others who follow Him would answer this in the same way: it is God. Through His son, Jesus, “the image of the invisible God” (Colossians 1:15), He has brought all reality together. The purpose of life is found in Him.
But I have learned that though there are many who claim to believe in God and would nod in agreement with these words, not all live their lives as if this is true.
Universal Meaning?
I recently read a quote from the diary of an author from the early 20th Century. Though I do not know anything about her faith, her ideas easily represent how many people approach and resolve this question of what gives life meaning. She says:
“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, and empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, and individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person. To seek a total unity is wrong” (The Diary of Anais Nin Volume 1).
Her approach to minimizing the anguish most people feel as they try to figure out life’s purpose is don’t think too big. Seeking meaning that fits universally for all of existence never ends well, according to this author. Keep it small so you can manage it all by yourself. And I have no doubt that many today agree with her. What was interesting (as usual) were the comments on this post. Most sang the praises of this philosophical take on how to view life. One said, “Meaning in life is only found when I focus on the individual, particularly me. If it’s not going to make me happy then I’m going to have nothing to do with it.”
Read MoreChoosing to Limit Myself
I recently had someone describe her problems to me as rooted in co-dependency. She could see that her choices had become so enmeshed with another person’s responses that she no longer knew what was hers and what was the other person’s. The solution she came up with was to set more boundaries in her life.
She recognized that the lack of distinction in her own identity left the door open for others to manipulate her and use her to meet their own personal needs, often to her detriment. Letting people do this had at first seemed to be a loving thing. It was how she felt accepted. But as this tendency continued, she realized she was often left empty, confused, and unsure of who she was anymore. Having no personal boundaries actually devalued her. This revelation gave hope that life could be different if she could change. Of course, there is a lot of work ahead. She is like so many of us who do not easily accept restrictions on how we operate.
What is it about boundaries we don’t like?
Fences seem to put out an invitation to be climbed. There always is something on the other side that is attractive, making promises, or declaring a new level of righteousness or pleasure for those bold enough to ignore the old ways and push beyond set limits. Laws become suggestions or challenges to just not get caught violating them. Rules are quickly judged to be unjust or frivolous. We humans find all kinds of ways to discredit limitations. That is unless we can start to see that some (and perhaps all) are meant to protect us from harm and allow us to grow.
Read MoreChoosing a Better Option
It’s a condition I have had for many years.
I get infections in my colon. They can be extremely painful and put me in the hospital. I have learned to recognize the feeling when it’s beginning and usually have to fight a sense of panic at the first twinge. My initial impulse has been to scramble for antibiotics. I send a frantic call to my doctor begging for a quick prescription. In recent years, however, those pills promising healing relief have made me feel almost as bad as the sickness.
What to do?
The condition is called diverticulosis. When an infection develops, it’s known as diverticulitis. I finally came to the conclusion that through increased fiber intake with water, probiotics, and a lot of prayer, I could avoid the antibiotics. It has worked for the past few years!
So, what’s the point of detailing my journey toward intestinal health?
When I’m in pain, I look for relief — usually whatever I believe will provide it the quickest. Sometimes what I imagine to be a cure ends up being as bad, if not worse, than the disease from which I am seeking freedom. I don’t think I’m alone in this.
Emotional Pain?
Discomfort of the soul stirs similar desires for relief. I don’t like feeling bad, whether it be sadness, guilt, inadequacy, helplessness, or boredom. However, I typically do not seek to understand where these feelings of uneasiness come from. I just want relief. So, I reach for the nearest remedy that will dull or cover the distress. The self-medication I apply to my soul or psyche rarely, if ever, solves anything. It either merely prolongs the uncomfortable feelings, once the quick fix wears off, or it leaves me feeling worse with increased sadness, intensified guilt, or far-reaching confusion.
Read MoreChoosing a Different Look
It’s been used as a joke, but there are some very funny images to support it as a reality. Do humans resemble their pets? In attitude and temperament? Even in their looks? It appears the answer is a strong YES! This phenomenon, particularly with dogs, has been studied and photographed multiple times*. Theories vary as to why this is more than a coincidence. But for me, it is obvious. We are attracted to things (and people) who are like us in some way. And we tend to take on the characteristics of those we hang out with.
This can be seen in couples who have been married for many years. Friends who are constantly together also begin to take on similarities they don’t even recognize but are obvious to observers. While my wife and I will be the first to point out all the ways we are different, others see our similarities: our values, our lifestyles, our faith, and even some of our habits and mannerisms. It wasn’t always that way. But having been married for more than 40 years, it’s fair to say we’ve rubbed off onto each other a bit. And, as for the non-couples out there, just look at social groups, teens and on up in age. From hairstyles to clothing choices, to the use of piercings and tattoos, not to mention language and all the other cultural traits. We become more and more like those we open our lives up to.
More than a physical thing
I can see a spiritual side to this as well. I heard it said many years ago, “You become like whatever you worship.” Why would this be so?
We have to consider what it means to worship. This is not a reference to music or singing. It has to do with what we adore and love. One of the thoughts I have gleaned from reading Saint Augustine’s teachings: we are not ruled by what we know (that is, our intellect), but we are ruled by what we love (that is, those things we choose to give ourselves to).
The people, the attitudes, the ideas we choose to embrace will be the most powerful direction-givers in our lives. Over time, we become more and more like that which we think about, that which we meditate on, that which we obey, that which we adore. Worship is obedience and submission. It can be applied to anything and anyone. And it will always produce some kind of fruit in our lives.
The anonymous poet who penned Psalm 115 gives us thoughtful insight. Idols and those who make them are described. They are crafted by humans and reflect what the human crafter values. They also mirror human foibles, flaws, and blindspots:
“Their idols are silver and gold,
the work of human hands.
They have mouths, but do not speak;
eyes, but do not see.
They have ears, but do not hear;
noses, but do not smell.
They have hands, but do not feel;
feet, but do not walk;
and they do not make a sound in their throat.
Those who make them become like them;
so do all who trust in them” (Psalm 115:4-8 ESV).
Be careful what you worship
True worship always calls us to rely on something. It can be money, public opinion, education, our own reasoning abilities and feelings, or God. The Psalmist effectively says that what we worship and trust in pretty much determine what we think about, what we adore, what we do, and ultimately what we look like and become.
But of course, there is another aspect to all this. What might we look like or become if we give ourselves over to be true worshipers of God? How does consistently loving God shape us from the inside out? If one is truly worshiping the One who defines beauty, goodness, justice, and love, then a person’s character will reflect Him: patient, forgiving, loving, committed to truth and righteousness, to mention a few qualities.
By implication, the writer of Psalm 115 is telling us how worshipers of human-made gods are limiting what they ultimately will be able to do with what they have:
They will have physical mouths,
but what they say will be meaningless as if nothing is being communicated.
They will have physical eyes
But they will be blind to what is permanently valuable.
They will have physical ears,
but what they hear will not be a voice communicating truth nor one guiding them into eternal wealth and satisfaction.
They will have physical noses,
but their spiritual sense of discernment will be unable to distinguish between what is eternally good and that which brings only short-term relief and pleasure.
They will have physical hands and feet.
But what they feel with all their senses will not be reliable, and neither will their feet take them to places that give true health and life.
Like our Father
Our lives are going to be modeled after someone or something. It’s inevitable. We can determine now what those features will resemble. The Bible is clear. Jesus came to make us children of God (John 1:12). We are called to be like our Heavenly Father, to take on His characteristics.
Choose this day what you are going to look like. We all are in the process of forming our eternal identities. It has everything to do with what we are bowing down and giving ourselves to now.
We may take on similarities with our pets, spouses, and good friends. But the shape of our character, ultimate beauty and worth has much more to do with what and WHO we love and worship!
Choose well! Your spiritual complexion depends on it!
Response:
- How might the things I love influence my attitudes and actions? For good or for ill?
- What do I trust in that shapes how I think? Is it leading me toward God or away from Him?
- What things, relationships, or accomplishments in my life have the potential of becoming idols?
- Jesus, what needs to change in my life so that I look more and more like you?
*Google “humans resembling their pets” and see what comes up.
(Edited and reposted from April 17, 2023 “Choosing What I Look Like”)
Choosing the Direction of My Love
I realize now there was one central reason I played sports as a kid. I wanted to belong. There were some bright moments on the high school football team, but I knew I would never be a star player. It was the opportunity to connect with a group, develop camaraderie, and form an identity that held the drawing power. I basked in the glow of being a football player! I was one of the guys! I even heard myself telling others that I loved football.
Looking back, the hype all feels a bit silly now.
Yet everyone, it seems, gravitates toward a group identity – even the non-conformist rebels tend to drift toward one another. The power of belonging is what I believe is behind the cohesiveness of ethnic groups, political parties, gangs, religious groups, and social-sexual associations – think of all the letters hanging together in LGBTQ+. Group identity empowers individuals to feel bigger than just one little ol’ person. But what fuels a person’s drive toward a particular association?
I believe it is rooted in what a person has chosen to love.
The Highway of Love
There are a lot of ways to define how love is talked about these days. But regardless what definition a person adheres to, I think it’s important to remind ourselves that none are immune from pursuing that which they have chosen to give themselves. Everyone loves in some manner. I’m referring to love as the choice or impulse to hand ourselves over in thought, deed, and affection to another. It could be to an idea, an activity, a system, a group, or a person. We all do it! Not all wisely, and not all that leads to good ends. We attach ourselves and our affections through our choices to admirable people (often just ourselves), stimulating projects and entertainment, stirring ideals, intriguing philosophies, heart-gripping beliefs. It depends on what we are convinced will enrich our identities or at least make us happier.
Read MoreChoosing to Honor My Parents
My dad turns 86 tomorrow. He and my mom have been living with us for the past several years. And it’s been so good to have them near in this senior season of their lives. They are able to engage with their grandchildren and great grandchildren in regular and meaningful ways. Having them close has also kindled reflections on what a parent is and can be through all the seasons of life. Traversing the ups and downs of raising four children, my mother and father have provided an example to me and my wife of what it means to endure in faith, hope and love through layers of pain, joy, and disappointment. They exude a tenacious wisdom and belief in God’s goodness as I hear them praying daily for every member of their family and the struggles of their nation.
From a godly mom and dad, I have consistently been given a healthy perspective for navigating life . . . that is to take EVERYTHING to God.
Difficult Parents
But not everyone is able to say the same about their parents. A father and a mother can be either a source of great comfort, joy, and guidance or a contributor to deep confusion, pain, and bitterness — most often a perplexing mix of the positive and negative. During my years in ministry, I have encountered heart-wrenching stories of parenting: abuse, neglect, abandonment, selfishness, narcissism. And the question often comes up, how can a child with such an upbringing sincerely obey the 5th biblical Commandment: “Honor your father and mother”? What if nothing honorable can be seen in how mothers or fathers have lived their lives or raised their children?
Read MoreChoosing to See IT in Me
I have worked with some people over the years with serious pride issues. Surely you know the type I’m talking about. They see and hear only what they want and leave room for little to no outside input into their work, their projects, their relationships or their lives. They’re blind to everything outside themselves.
Ugh!
I remember one of my very first jobs working as a government employee. My immediate manager was tasked with training me to take over her job before she retired—that was the position I had applied for and what I was hired to do. The problem was, however, that she personally felt (I found out later) that I was being given this position at too young of an age. Afterall, she had had to work her way up over the years through the ranks having started as a janitor. I was a punk kid fresh out of college. So she stalled. I was given meaningless tasks for months but never trained to do any of her job. Many a night I fumed at home over this woman’s arrogance. She thought her personal assessment of me and the situation trumped what I had been hired to do. She was blind to my needs, my abilities, my ambitions and, not least of all, our supervisor’s instructions. And I was being abused in the process. But of course, she thought she knew better. So I quit.
Ouch!
After recalling this little piece of my history, I’m reminded (uncomfortably so) that people who walk in pride typically are very sensitive to and angered by the pride they see in others. They rarely, however, see it in themselves. That doesn’t reflect well on me.
Read MoreChoosing to Follow His Promises
What is it about children and their selective hearing? They conveniently fail to perceive instructions or warnings they don’t like. But if a parent for some reason does not follow through with something he said he might do, there is a predictable mantra shouted:
“But you promised!”
And it’s that word “promised” that carries the punch. They never say, “You mentioned . . .” or “suggested” or “implied.” They use the most powerful word they know, making it synonymous with a vow, a pledge, a commitment, or a blood oath. It’s all to impose guilt on the parent, of course, as if he is committing a moral sin (and perhaps he is) by not fulfilling what the child expected. And yet we adults are not much different in how we use that word.
Trust Issues
A promise is the assurance given that something is going to happen. And as we get older, it’s typical for us to become cynical about any kind of verbal guarantee. When broken promises become more common than those that are fulfilled in our lives, we lower our expectations. Words become more meaningless. Written contracts become more necessary. Promises made in relationships, politics, and religion become more doubtful.
And we eventually scoff and sneer at the idea that any person can be counted on to keep a promise. The crux of the issue is always the questions surrounding the character and reliability of that “person” making the promise. Is there anyone who is worthy of such trust?
Read MoreChoosing a Long-Term View of My Life
It hit the airwaves just before I graduated from high school. And though I never absorbed any of the lyrics except the first line, I found myself humming and singing those few words over and over. There was also a movie and TV series that showcased the song.
“Fame! I want to live forever!”
Irene Cara belted it out so effectively at the top of the charts that I didn’t have to see any of the shows to remember it. Afterall, who doesn’t want to be famous, and who doesn’t want to live forever?
Well, it turns out that there are those who don’t want the pressures of fame. Ask celebrities who cannot go out in public without being harassed. And concerning living forever? it depends on who you ask.
What’s so great about a long life?
I recently read a post by a self-proclaimed Gen Z atheist. He was poking fun at how long the Bible claims pre-flood people lived. Methuselah has the biblical record of 969 years. “I’m already bored with this world,” he wrote. “Can you imagine living hundreds of years without the internet or any technology? No thank you.”
While there is much that could be said about this young man’s stereotypical Gen Z dependence on technology to get through any given day, it’s his view of the burdens of a long life that interests me here. It sounds like he might disagree with the song Fame. Living forever without technical support for entertainment sounds miserable, even cruel. If living hundreds of years is intolerable, what would it be like to be immortal?
Yet the search for immortality seems to be as old as humanity’s existence. The Mesopotamian Epic of Gilgamesh is an example of an ancient quest for immortality. The conclusion, of course, is that death is inevitable. But some sort of eternal life can be attained through being remembered by those who are left behind. This is what I assume the song Fame is referring to: I want to be famous for something so that I will live in people’s minds and the stories they tell long after I die.
Read More
Choose This Day 