Choosing to Let Myself Be Seen
Most of my life growing up, I felt misunderstood. I tried to relate to those around me by being who I thought they wanted me to be. But it felt like few, if any, ever saw the real me and said, “I like that person.” That took its toll, and I easily withdrew within myself. I became, at best, a private person. I longed for a friend that would accept me for who I was, yet neither did I ever allow the real me, with all my fears, insecurities, and sin to be seen. I built protective walls of shyness to keep the anticipated pain of rejection manageable and as far away as possible. But something within always ached for a connection with another that would provide a reason to open the door of my heart and truly be seen and known.
As a teen, I realized the name of the quality I hungered for was intimacy. Marriage, I then presumed, would satisfy this yearning. A sexual relationship, after all, is the epitome of closeness and connection. And though it initially seemed to do the trick, I eventually came to an unexpected realization: a person can be married, sleep in the same bed with someone and still feel lonely and disconnected at times.
A Universal Desire
I, like so many, have longed for intimacy in my relationships but have found it elusive. There are moments when it seems to be within my grasp, conversations or activities with a friend or with my wife where the bond feels almost other-worldly. It’s as if we can see into each other’s soul. Yet it doesn’t last, fading with distance and time. I want to believe, however, that those moments are glimpses of what can be mine continuously, forever. But how?
And then there’s my relationship with God.
I was a young adult when I was told that God desires an intimate relationship with me. It was initially a strange idea, but nevertheless intriguing. I was familiar with the Bible and the concept of serving God. I had memorized scripture as a child, and I knew a lot of information about God and His Son, Jesus. What poked at my mind was that there was possibly a level of connection with my Creator that I had not experienced. Could I be known by God as well as know Him in a way that went beyond merely accumulating theological data, doing good deeds, taking communion, and recounting biblical stories? What did having a relationship with God really mean?
Read MoreChoosing to Recall the Right Things
I forgot a friend’s name the other day. For a few moments I couldn’t recall that word that represents someone I care about. It should be so familiar to me. I felt ashamed. Fortunately, the lapse didn’t last long. But moments like these make me wonder if this means age is catching up with me. Or am I just not thinking about that person enough to keep his name fresh and alive in my memory?
Whatever the reason, forgetfulness is becoming more common. Besides people’s names, there are those book or movie titles that stay on the tip of my tongue, but I cannot bring them fully up from my memory. Jokes or stories I start to tell but then realize I can’t recall the details. It’s often a matter of focus. I can be intent on one subject while being asked about another and find it difficult to shift efficiently. Sometimes I can feel the memory I’m pursuing swirling away like a feather in a gust of wind. And the greater effort I put in to grab it, the more elusive it becomes. I don’t remember it always being this way. But maybe that’s just another memory problem.
Perhaps it is age, after all.
But I feel there can be some forgetfulness that has nothing to do with growing old. How often have I forgotten God, His power, His goodness, His mercy? Particularly when I was younger, all it took was a shortfall of money, a miserable sickness, an expectation not met, or a relational hurt. My focus would be on myself, my fears, my anger so much so that it felt as if everything God had promised or provided in the past never existed.
Yes, there is a forgetfulness that has nothing to do with age.
Read MoreChoosing What’s Already Been Decided
I have been an on and off fan of Star Trek (and its various versions) over the years. As a kid, the alien enemies scared me: Klingons with their cold, hard, and aggressive logic; the emotional paranoia of the Romulans; and the greed and cowardice of the Ferengi. All of them, I learned to laugh at as I grew older. But the one group that still sends a chill through me is the Borg. They are the race of beings that has incorporated technological enhancements with the physical body, turning themselves into a single living machine controlled with a common consciousness in the Queen Borg. They can live forever, and no one can really stop them.
Now we are seeing science fiction and present-day reality beginning to entwine. The 1999 film The Matrix presented what felt like the very unrealistic idea that machines could eventually dominate and enslave humans. Before that was The Terminator, again the machines taking on their own life and will. Beyond thrilling entertainment, such story telling gets us talking about questions I never heard my grandparents’ generation asking. What does it mean to be human? At what point does technology begin to dehumanize us? And even deeper, just because we can, does it mean we should? Where are the boundaries? And, should there be any limits put on human ambition to take control of our own existence?
Right now, ChatGPT (artificial intelligence) and all its technological cousins seem to be enhancing our lives. But the questions persist: where is it all taking us? Is it leading us to a better place? Are limits always bad? And where is God in all our human advancements?
A lot of questions!
Freedom from Physical Limits?
The term transhumanism is coming up a lot more in online discussions and the news. From what I understand, it is a broad topic under which artificial intelligence (AI) would fall. Its supporters, which I will refer to as transhumanists, are interested in using technology to extend human abilities and capacities, to go beyond biological limitations. They can see a future where humans will slow, reverse, or even eliminate the aging process. They imagine taking evolution to a whole new level by someday merging humans with machines, even getting to the place where a human’s consciousness can be uploaded onto a computer. This is the transhumanist’s idea of eternal life.
The desire to live forever and cheat death is not a new thing. Such a longing is found in writings as old as the Gilgamesh Epic, written around 2100BC. But whereas ponderings on eternal life have traditionally been rooted in spiritual pursuits, the transhumanists have brought it into the materialist’s realm – something we can attain through scientific advancements. They believe we humans can make ourselves eternal, all by ourselves, with our own genius and our own unwavering will.
Creating My Own Identity
The question that is being addressed is, what is a human? The answer the transhumanists (and many other groups) are giving is this: anything we want to be. It comes down to a single word: identity. More and more people are believing we each create our own selfhood, and there are no limits on what we can become.
Read MoreChoosing to Think Like a Child
As a child, I remember when my Sunday school knowledge about God and the Bible became too simple and dull. I was a jaded 12-year-old, having grown up saturated with what felt like dry, moralistic lessons drawn from the pages of scripture. The words faith, hope, love, sin, humility, heaven, the cross, and resurrection stirred yawns. I had heard it all a million times. Was there anything about this Christian stuff that was fresh and exciting? New information that could capture my imagination? As a young adolescent, I began to doubt that there was anything more about Jesus worth pursuing or knowing.
Fortunately, I encountered the real presence of Jesus through some fellow high school students who experienced radical transformation when they surrendered to God. These friends who had not had the same immersion in scripture and biblical teaching seemed to appreciate it so much more. This intrigued me. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I began to appreciate the biblical education I had been given as a child. And as I have grown older, I have returned to those boring words that were hammered into me during Sunday school. I now realize that they were at the core of all I really needed to know.
Read MoreChoosing to Believe GOOD is Coming!
Will this war ever end? And when it does, will circumstances in Iran, or in the world for that matter, be better?
Here at home there is so much division, anger, and fear for the future. I don’t see any politician being able to heal the divide that is growing ever wider.
And on top of it all, everything is getting so expensive! Will I be able to pay for my housing or afford to even eat in another year or two?
I feel depression knocking at my door, and I can’t see how it’s going to get any better.
“Hope” is a nice word for such a time we’re in now. But how does that word play out in this season of war, division, and uncertainty? How do we find real hope when most the news coming at us feels dark with no reliable light at the end of the tunnel?
What Does It Actually Mean?
An online dictionary defines hope as “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” While this is how most people generally think of hope, I have a problem with this definition. It reduces hope to a mere feeling. And if I’ve learned anything about feelings, it’s that they’re unreliable and rarely stick around through every season. For such a time as this, I need something that works apart from my emotions and that I can rely on regardless what I’m feeling as I scan the news.
I prefer to understand hope as the belief that there is good in the future. Beliefs can be felt at times, but they aren’t dependent on feelings. To believe that there is something ahead that can give me a kind of goodness that will make my present pain and confusion melt away gives me strength to endure today. Hope is more than wishing for something to be true. It’s the confidence that the way things are now is not the way they’re going to remain.
Read MoreChoosing AWE
Sometimes we hear words over and over and yet never really think about the depth of their significance. Words such as faith, hope, and love are examples of ideas we talk about often as Jesus followers. They’re in the Bible, yet sometimes we need to ask ourselves what we mean by each of these. What would happen if we embraced a fuller meaning found in each of these words?
The Bible also talks about wonders. Typically, the word is used to refer to supernatural miracles. Yet, “wonder” is also an expression we use to describe experiences we do not necessarily associate with a Sunday-morning sermon. We have the Seven Wonders of the World, the Seven Wonders of the Natural World, and the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World (I’m not sure why it’s always restricted to seven). I personally use the word often to refer to my thinking process. But I still have to ask myself, what exactly is a “wonder”? Or what does it mean to “wonder”?
The Glory of the Heavens
I was seven years old the summer of 1969 when I watched Neil Armstrong take the first human step onto the moon. The sense of awe I experienced, even viewing it on a 19-inch black and white television screen, is still strong with me today. The next full moon found me staring at it trying to fathom the fascination of a man actually strolling across the surface of that glowing orb. The following few years, I kept track of all the news of the Apollo space program, clipping articles from newspapers and magazines for a “Space” scrapbook. I also announced to my family that I was going to be an astronaut. The amazement and glitter eventually wore off, however, as I entered my teen years. Star Wars, with all its crazy alien creatures, came to the theaters, and my reverence for space travel began to feel childish.
Why is it that the idea of “wonder” is often associated with children? Disney has made a lucrative business of stirring the childish sense of awe for kids of all ages. But for adults, does it mean more than a silly, immature pleasure of remembering back when I was supposed to believe in flying elephants and singing dwarfs?
An online dictionary defines “wonder” as a feeling of amazement and admiration, caused by something beautiful, remarkable, or unfamiliar. And it is true that children are most susceptible to this feeling, or at least they are the ones who have the least inhibitions for expressing it.
Read MoreChoosing Strong Desires
As a Follower of Jesus, is it wrong to ask God to fulfill my desires? I have been asked this question more than once. There are two extreme responses that I now see getting associated with Christianity. One comes out of the God-wants-you-to-be-happy theology and therefore, of course, wants to satisfy every desire. The other is more related to Eastern asceticism, labeling the pursuit of fulfilled desires as a distraction that leads to suffering and deceitfully draws us away from God.
I usually offer a short (and usually unsatisfying) answer: it depends.
So, maybe a more helpful question is, how do I determine if the desire I have is a good one?
The Bible talks a lot about desires, and I have written before on the topic (read “Choosing to Desire Well”). Here I am writing about it again. I never seem to get away from thinking about how integral desires are to how we do life. Whether we’re always aware of it or not, we make choices and pursue our paths according to whatever object or goal our desires have zeroed-in on. Thus, the Bible warns us of fraudulent desires (Ephesians 4:22) and even ones that lead to death (James 4:2). But it also informs us that there are desires that lead us to good places (Proverbs 11:23) and ones that God longs to fulfill (Psalm 37:4; 145:16).
Read MoreChoosing My Ultimate Allegiance
During a long layover in an airport years ago, I experienced some unpleasant interaction with airport staff. While wandering the terminal looking for something to help pass the time, I came upon the lounge for the particular airline I was flying. My immediate thought was “here is a place to relax for a few hours.” Knowing nothing at that time about how airline lounges operated, I was stopped at the door and asked if I needed help. When I said I just wanted to come in to hang out between flights, the woman asked to see my boarding pass. After staring at it for a few moments, her gaze shifted to me. Her eyes scanned me up and down. Her expression changed from a smiling servant to a scowling judge.
“You don’t belong in here,” she said, lifting her nose a bit higher and returning the boarding pass as if it was infected with deadly bacteria. “You can ‘hang out’ over there.” And she pointed to rows of seating on the other side of the hall that were bursting with human bodies. Without another word, she turned and let the door slowly close behind her so I could glimpse what I was being denied: padded chairs that looked as if they could double as beds as well as a buffet line full of all kinds of food and drinks. I walked away, sorry I was missing the comfort, but mostly stinging from being told I was not worthy of such a place. The snub weighed heavy on me for the rest of the day.
Why Does It Hurt So?
We humans hate being turned away and left out. Many associated words come to mind that leave the same residue of pain: shunned, rejected, not welcomed, unwanted, devalued, despised, abandoned. Places, groups, or events that are exclusively for certain people and have strict criteria for who are allowed are always wonderful for those who are “in.” But we who are left out easily let that hurt turn into anger and even bitterness. No one likes being forced to be on the “outside.”
This is especially true when the criteria for being on the inside is based on things we cannot change about ourselves, like skin color, nationality, and ethnicity. Taking a stance of exclusivity has become especially unpopular and even illegal in our present cultural climate. And for most cases, I believe it is good to challenge old and unexamined exclusive attitudes.
Is It Ever Right?
But as a follower of Jesus, I am caught in what feels like a dilemma.
Read MoreChoosing to Live Within Boundaries
Often, the secret to success with any task is learning the basics and trusting the tried-and-true process for getting a particular job done. I believe this can apply to almost any skill. I remember my dad teaching me to wash a car: always start at the top and work down. That basic idea seems to work well for almost any type of cleaning.
Learning to drive a car at age 16, I thought I was a pro within the first couple days. Practicing regulating my speed and judging braking distance felt too basic after my first week behind the wheel. I was itching for “Indy 500” experiences. However, after nearly running off the road while taking corners, almost rear-ending cars in front of me, and having a head-on collision on a dirt road, I finally adjusted my thinking. Maybe it would be good to master the fundamentals before testing how fast I could drive.
Another example was learning to write. My teachers provided the parameters and rules of composition. Correct spelling, no run-on sentences, organized paragraphs, proper punctuation, etc. But it all felt so restricting. I had story ideas and deep thoughts that I needed to get on a page. My teachers, however, were turning papers back to me with big red question marks next to most the paragraphs. Were they just too slow-witted to recognize brilliance? After a while, it hit me that I needed to learn to write more clearly. And that meant, among other things, applying the rules they were talking about. My ability to express myself grew as I took their directions seriously.
The Disgusting Word
Living within restrictions or boundaries feel unpleasant to most of us. We look for ways to get around them. It is a growing part of our culture to perceive restraints – particularly restrictions that limit self-expression – as wrong, and even, evil. And thus, the word “obey” can send waves of disgust, fear, and instant rebellion through many. Yet, learning to work within rules and instructions are so often the key to success and satisfaction.
Read MoreChoosing Ears that Hear
Ear plugs have become my friend over the years. Whether it’s to dampen outside noise in a motel room with thin walls, help me mute distracting sounds so I can focus on the book I’m reading, or to get a good night’s sleep with a snoring roommate, they’re helpful. But I’m also growing to appreciate how they can protect my hearing. More of my friends are dealing with hearing loss. For some it’s natural with age. For others, it’s a disability or the result of a sickness. Of course, for some it is the result of prolonged exposure to loud noises. They are now paying for the rock concerts of their youth.
To hear well is something we often don’t appreciate until we start losing the ability. Technology is allowing us to make up for some of that loss with ever-more-efficient hearing aids. But overall, I find it is easy for those who don’t know any difference to take hearing for granted. We just don’t think about what it takes to comprehend all that’s going on around us.
Longing to be Heard
I remember when I first spent time with a person born deaf. As a boy, I was fascinated with the thought of not being able to hear anything. I also began to comprehend that if someone has never heard sounds before, he will have difficulty speaking. The boy I met was in my youth group, and we all decided to learn some sign language to help with communication. He was delighted with our attempts and would try to speak as he signed his responses. But I could never understand his spoken words. Reflecting on that experience years later, it dawned on me how much he wanted to be heard, whether it was through his voice or his hands. It’s an innate longing of humans. The need to communicate in some way or form is deeply embedded in each of us.
While disease, accidents, and loud noises can disrupt our physical hearing, there are other kinds of hearing problems that infect us humans. It doesn’t take too long to realize that a person can have fully operational ears but still not really hear what’s going on. Hearing involves more than functional eardrums and an acute sensitivity to sound. There must be a desire and commitment to do what is necessary to understand the meaning of what is being said.
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Choose This Day 